“Twin Flames”

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Photograpy & interview:

Happy Hinds

Model: Leen

 




“One of the most isolating things about having anxiety is thinking you’re the only one, which kind of comes with it; thinking you’re the only one who feels this. And that’s what makes it so bad! You start to take it personally and then hate yourself for it”. 

“Saying you love yourself is great but actually believing it is actually very hard. Especially for someone who is depressed, so your mind chemically just can’t get you to that place where you’re like ‘I’m the best!’ There’s nothing wrong with that: of course, I want everyone to love themselves, but if you don’t, (yet), you can find comfort in just making fun of it or having friends going through the same thing, and just realizing that it’s your illness and not you”. 

“A lot of my anxiety is social anxiety; how people perceive me and a lot of that stuff is just straight up in your head, like not even true! A lot of the times you start to believe it, and it’s like your truth that this person hates me or this guy is using me”. 

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“Before I got

diagnosed, I

was just living & thinking some things were true.

When I got diagnosed, it was my experience with him [anonymous]… I would throw up every time I saw him because I thought he was making fun of me behind my back or some shit. These crazy ideas would pop in my head and I couldn’t let them go even when I was with him… I got help for this reason and went to therapy! It didn’t solve anything but talking to her, [my therapist], it was the first time I even considered that he liked me, because she was pointing out all of these things and I was like ‘wow I am totally… overreacting. I just hadn’t thought of any of those things before.’ And also just knowing that I have this illness; I am wanting to throw up for a reason, and it isn’t because I’m this ‘overbearing girl who just needs male validation and was acting over the top.’ I wasn’t. It was my body reacting to a lot of things”. 

“Sometimes you really realize that what’s going on with you is actually medical. And it sucks because you really want to get to the bottom of it and can’t. I don’t want chamomile tea”.


"When I first started having sex, I was completely terrified… not of sex. My friends in high school always said I’d be the first one to have sex. I was so… listening to Lil’ Kim, sexually free, loved sex and to talk about it, and just would be expected to be one of those people who ‘just has sex early.’ But I didn’t because I was so insecure that I didn’t want anyone to see me naked. It got to the point where I’d cry in bathing suit shops; in high school it got to kind of a dangerous point where I started using protein supplements to gain weight, and that wasn’t good for my health and ended up bringing my anxiety on even more because I was now filling myself up & chugging these protein shakes that my body wasn’t craving and couldn’t take and was stressing out about trying to gain weight. Sophomore year I threw up everyday before school because I spent all morning chugging protein and actually missed a bunch of school because of it”. 

"Shooting with you for the first time (last year) was really liberating in terms of my body being shown and just letting it be a piece of art which is comforting. But it was still affecting me everyday. And then I got my boob job! [Screams laughing] That was a huge battle to have done and I’ve had them for 2 weeks now and it definitely helps; like I don’t have those constant self-hate modes that I get into. I like being naked, I like looking in the mirror; I’m like Happy let’s do nude shoots! Let’s be a hoe! I feel so excited. It’s not gonna fix everything and I’m aware of that but before that my body was a really big stem to my anxiety”.

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"I haven’t found anything that makes me less anxious or do the trick instantly.

I know a girl who chews on ice cubes because it gets her mind thinking? That doesn’t work for me… but it works for her! Or I heard about this thing where you get peppermint extract and smell it and put it behind your ears. Doesn’t work for me” 

“See a doctor if you are clinically depressed get on some medication live your life. Get on some Zoloft people!!!”